don't patronize, I realize that I'm losing and this is my real life
by xIrelandx
Summary: Apollo's getting sick of the mixed signals. Phoenix/Apollo, past Phoenix/Edgeworth. Angst. Rated for swearing.


This was the third time Phoenix had done this to him this week, and he was determined to make it the last. Last time, he went ahead and saw the movie anyway; tonight, he wasn't going to waste time wondering if he was just being paranoid. Being stood up once was a coincidence; three times was purposeful, and he didn't know what he'd done to deserve this. Phoenix wasn't even answering his damn phone.

Apollo received a lot of strange looks for his glaring on the bus, but he didn't care. He wasn't about to pretend to be in a good mood for the sake of a bunch of strangers. He was pissed, he was allowed to be pissed and he didn't have to explain that to anybody.

He got back to the office, livid as hell to see Phoenix was just sitting there like nothing was wrong. He even had the audacity to turn and look at him, smiling, and say, "Hey Apollo!" Apollo continued to glare, unmoving, at the man, until he looked uncomfortable. When he asked, "What's wrong?" Apollo rolled his eyes and pushed past him, calling for Trucy to come with him to look over the evidence with him.

She held her hands close to her body and asked, "What's wrong? What did Daddy do?"

Apollo only shook his head. There was nothing he could say. Since he was Apollo's employer, Phoenix wanted to keep their "relationship", if it could even be called that, a secret. But Phoenix was only barely his employer. Apollo received money from clients, not from Phoenix, he was never really around and he didn't act professional - let alone boss-like. Nonetheless Phoenix didn't want anyone knowing - prosecutors, other attorneys, and especially not Trucy. Every time Apollo tried to talk to him about it, he'd give him that sly smirk and do that thing that made Apollo blush and his stomach drop out, effectively making him forget all about his concerns.

But he wasn't going to let that happen. Not this time.

"Polly?" Trucy began, interrupting his thoughts. "Your face is really, really red -"

"Please don't use that nickname for me anymore," he snapped.

Trucy was thrown off, gasping with her hands on her cheeks. Apollo felt a little guilty for taking his anger out on her - her father's inability to commit was not her problem or her fault. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to calm himself down. Re-opening his eyes, he saw Trucy was holding her hands up to her chest, looking at him with concern. "It's nothing, really," he says in a softer tone. "I'm just tired."

"Why don't you go on home, then?" she asked. "You were supposed to leave early today anyway. There's no point in staying any longer if you're so wound up." Apollo nodded in agreement. There really wasn't any point in him staying, at all.

* * *

><p>Apollo didn't tend to drink a lot. Ever since becoming an attorney, he never really had the time to, and it's not as though he needed it to fall asleep - he was perpetually exhausted. But, as Trucy had pointed out, he was exhausted and given early leave anyway (of course, that extra time was supposed to be spent with her father), and he was frustrated and didn't know what else to do. He knew those were all really shitty reasons to drink, but he could shame himself for it in the morning. No one was around now to tell him no, so he was going to do it - reasonable or not.<p>

He sighed, loosening his tie from around his neck and tossing his vest somewhere in the direction of the bathroom. He swore to himself, realizing left his blazer at the office. "I'll just have to buy a new one," he mumbled. There was no way in hell he was going back there.

There was a knock at the door, and his insides froze. There was really only one person that could be. Klavier Gavin only ever came to talk to him at the office, Ema usually just called, and Clay was too busy to do either.

"Hey Apollo, it's me." Well no shit, Sherlock. Apollo swallowed. This situation was a catch twenty-two for him. If he didn't open the door, he'd feel terrible; if he did, and let the other man in, something would go wrong again, and he'd feel like an ass for doing this to himself. "Can you open the door please?" Apollo blinked, still thinking about it. There was an annoying part of his brain telling him that there was still hope, that maybe this time would be different. And he didn't want to listen to that voice, because he knew it was wrong. Evidence doesn't lie unless it's forged, and unbiased events only pointed to the conclusion that trusting Phoenix Wright meant being let down again. "I know you're in there, Apollo. Please?"

Apollo sighed. It was hopeless. He was hopeless. He knew what his problem was, even though he'd been trying to deny it to himself for God only knows how long. He was in love, and nothing short of moving to the other side of the country would stop him from repeatedly laying himself down as a damn doormat if that was what his boss wanted from him.

And it seemed that was pretty much all he wanted from him. Apollo ran a hand over his face and, despite his better judgement, opened the door.

Phoenix Wright had one hell of a guilt trip puppy-dog eye charade that could make coldest of hearts defrost, and Apollo presumed that this was how Trucy learned to manipulate people. He couldn't even get out the words What do you want? because they died in his chest; he felt bad for even thinking them. "What's wrong?" he asked.

What's wrong? How can you be asking me that?! You're what's wrong! "Nothing," Apollo replied. He'd gotten good at this, hiding his own feelings for what he thought was the purpose of self-preservation. Turns out that was just another lie he told himself - he did it so he could keep up the delusion that somehow, Phoenix actually gave a shit about him. He coughed, clearing his throat. The man was still looking at him with suspicion. "Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Wright?" Please, for the love of God, say no.

"You really don't have to be like that, Apollo."

"Like what?"

Phoenix rolled his eyes. "We're not at work. You can call me by my first name."

"Can I? I can never tell with you." It slipped out, and Apollo was trying everything in his power not to shout that he was sorry and try to take it back. It was the most venomous thing he'd ever said to his boss, and it felt just as bad as it did good.

Phoenix's frown deepened. "Why don't we go for a walk?"

"...Okay." He didn't know why he consented. It was cold outside, he couldn't be bothered to grab his jacket - just his keys from the table. He didn't want to spend prolonged time in the man's presence, especially not now while he was still feeling vulnerable and angry about earlier in the day, and he regrets his decision almost immediately. Without the vest or a jacket he's got his arms crossed over his chest, still fuming.

Mr. Wright must be paying enough attention and care to see that he's shivering, because he asks "I can give you my jacket, if you like." It comes up so close to Apollo, practically right in his ear, that he nearly jumps. Instead, to his horror, he blushes, bright red, and doesn't say anything. Phoenix clearly takes this as a yes, thinking Apollo is too shy or embarrassed or stubborn to actually say so with words, because he takes his jacket off and puts it around Apollo's shoulders.

"Thanks," Apollo grunts. Phoenix nods, no longer looking at Apollo but at the sidewalk ahead of them.

"So I've been meaning to tell you some things," he says, unprompted. Apollo tilts his head up, but Phoenix isn't even looking at him. He's keeping his gaze straight ahead. The look on his face is almost apathetic.

"Oh?" Apollo asks. He doesn't actually want to know, but he might as well ask and get it over with.

"Yeah," Phoenix says, tone conversational. "For one, I've been seeing Edgeworth pretty frequently lately."

Apollo stops dead in his tracks at that. It takes Phoenix a few paces to realize Apollo's not next to him anymore, to turn around to look at him and raise his eyebrows. "Apollo?"

Apollo isn't sure what his mind is going through right now, but some part of him loses control as he absolutely snaps "Are you fucking kiddingme?" Phoenix is pretty surprised by the outburst - he doesn't think he's ever heard Apollo swear, at least not in public. "I mean, Jesus Christ Nick, really?"

"...yeah," he says, cautiously. "That's why I didn't show up for our - um, to meet you -"

"Date," Apollo shouts. People are stopping to stare at them, but he really doesn't care. Phoenix is blushing and rubbing the back of his head nervously. Apollo can't pretend like he isn't enjoying the older man's obvious discomfort, in a really sick way. He's had this coming, he tells himself. "We had a date. If you're going to jerk me around, the least you can do is be honest about it."

Phoenix starts to interrupt with his name, "Apollo -"

"Just shut up!" Apollo snaps. His arms flail and the jacket drops from his shoulders, but he doesn't care if the shitty piece of clothing gets dirty. "Jesus Christ, I have been such a idiot."

"Apollo, calm down." He looks genuinely concerned, but there's no part of Apollo that's buying it anymore.

"Why, are you embarrassed?" he snaps.

"No," Phoenix says, although he's looking around nervously. "I just don't understand where this is all coming from."

"You do this to me every time. I'd do anything for you, because I love you, and you know that and take complete advantage of that fact. I should never have come back to you, to your office, but I did. I came back despite the fact that you lied to me and used me to get revenge on Kristoph. I came back despite the fact that you handed me forged evidence, that you did the exact same thing to me that Kristoph did to you."

"Apollo," the other man's face is really red now. "Apollo, please calm down -"

He's got his arms outstretched, reaching to put his hands on Apollo's shoulders. Apollo steps back and pushes him away, and it's the most aggressive and active Phoenix has ever seen him. Normally Apollo just let himself be hugged, poked, smacked without attempting to stop it or raising too much of an issue. "I will not calm down! I don't care that people are staring. You've been leading me on this whole time, making me think that if I just waited a little longer, then you'd get things sorted out and we wouldn't have to hide anymore. But that was never the problem. It never had to do with ethics.

"You're embarrassed of me. You're perfectly content to use me when it's convenient for you, flirting with me and making me promises and getting me to keep it all a secret by making me think I ever had a chance with you. And then you come here today, after standing me up again, and you tell me you're still fucking your ex like I'm not supposed to be upset about that. Like you didn't tell me just yesterday that you wanted to be with me and you wished you could be more open about it. And you were just lying to me again, because the second something better comes along you throw me over."

"Apollo, I promise, it's not like that -"

"The fuck it's not!" Tears are stinging at his eyes now. He doesn't care how sincere the man in front of him seems - he's going to pack as much vitriol as he can into this, to make it stick. "What the fuck else is it when you keep using because I was there and I let you? Jesus, I've been such a moron. Of course you're going to use me - you knew I was in love with you before even I did and that I wasn't going to go anywhere, not while I thought you wanted me. Why would you apologize, when you know I'm just going to forgive you the next time you're bored and need to keep yourself amused. I don't know why I ever expected something different of you."

"Apollo -"

"Phoenix, stop it." And he does. The older man looks on the verge of tears, and Apollo can't help but wonder if this is from embarrassment or another act on his behalf. "You stand me up, you tell me that you've started seeing someone else like I haven't been waiting for you and you haven't been leading me on. So just stop pretending like you give a shit about me. Stop pretending like you ever saw me as something other than a rebound. Stop pretending you see me as a person. I'm so sick of you using me and then discarding me like a toy with dead batteries. So just stop. Stop pretending like you're sorry when you know you're only going to do this to me again - just going to pretend you love me and break my heart because you know I'll be there willing to buy any lie that you have the second you change your mind."

Apollo's chest is heaving. He doesn't remember ever having been this angry. He'd been upset before, of course; being a foster kid isn't fun, seeing your friends get adopted while you get bounced around from place to place and returned because for some reason, nobody wants you. He shakes his head and turns to leave, utterly exhausted by his outburst. And then Phoenix tries, one more time, to get his attention. "Apollo, I -"

"WHAT?"

The sudden continuation of shouting throws Phoenix off and he blurts out, "Lamiroir is your mother and Trucy is your half-sister."

Phoenix been punched before, obviously, even by Apollo. But this is the first time someone's managed to break his nose in one hit.


End file.
